Sunday, March 02, 2008

I Love You But I Hate To Cry

SURRENDER

That is the word living through my system at this moment. A friend told me "may girlfriend na yata 'yun, yung status message niya kasi e, hindi mo ba nakikita sa ym?" . At first I said I don't care, that he can do anything he wants to, that I'm fine, blah blah blah; but deep inside, it really hurts, it really hurts to know that the person you love cannot and doesn't feel the same way for you; but I have to accept the sad truth that he can never be mine.

I am not sure if he (still) do consider me as his friend, even if he said it once, I am no longer certain about that because I can feel the distance parting us. When I pass by him, chances are he will not look at me, so, tendency is, I will end up ignoring him or pretending I didn't see him. Most likely I just wait for him to look at me then we greet each other, but once, I pass by him, he looked at me, I gave him my warmest greeting, I even gave him my sweetest smile, although he did greet me back, I can see in his face that he just cannot do anything about it, like, he's been cornered and the only thing to do is greet back. That is sad, really. I mean, he said you're friends yet where's the friendship? Only in words? Or better yet say, our friendship has fallen apart. I will accept if he says we have to end this friendship, if that will make him happy, then, that will be fine; at least I don't have to question myself about it. Tutal, umiiwas na rin naman ako, hindi ko na rin siguro masasabi na "Ay, friend ko yan!" kasi ano ang friendship sa lagay na yun, kung umiiwas ka lang naman; ang plastic ko naman hindi ba?!

Last Thursday, after arriving home, I went straight to my room, locked the door then sat on one corner. Umiyak na lang ako. Hindi kasi ako yung tipo ng tao na tinatago lahat, umiiyak ako kung kailan ko gusto kasi ayoko namang itago ang nararamdaman ko, that's one thing I learned from my mom: never ever keep your hurt, anger, or whatever feelings you contain, at baka magkasakit ka pa sa puso. Binasa ko yung last few lines sa tula ni Sir Louie entitled KATAPUSAN (Louie Jon Sanchez):

mananatiling ganito -
karaniwan at nakalapag
sa dating lunan, sa mga oras
na nakagawiang balikan.
pihado, magsusulat
pa rin naman ako
ngunit para sa iyo,


ITO NA ANG HULING TULA.

If I to change the lines, to make it more applicable to me, the last few lines will be like this:

mananatiling ganito -
karaniwan at nakalapag
sa dating lunan, sa mga oras
na nakagawiang balikan.
pihado, IIYAK
pa rin naman ako
ngunit para sa iyo,


ITO NA ANG HULING LUHA KO.

I don't want to cry for him anymore. If everything has been ended this soon, I will accept it and move on like what my friends have been telling me. This is life. Maybe God just wants me to focus on my studies since I've been given a big chance to run as ,,, and I will work very hard for that.

FOR ______:

I STILL LOVE YOU BUT I HATE TO CRY

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