Friday, January 18, 2008

Thoughts

This is our fate.
You are a waterfall,
and I, a stream:
YOU WILL FOREVER FLOW THROUGH ME,
but I SHALL NEVER CONTAIN YOU
and YOU WILL NEVER WASH ME AWAY.
- STAR CROSSED, Dr. Ronald Baytan
It's been two weeks since the term started. This term was quite different from the previous terms, maybe because we're not together anymore, I mean, we're no longer classmates just like we used to. I still see him, sometimes, walking along Miguel Hall or just standing outside his classroom while waiting for the professor to arrive. I must admit that I might be liking someone new now, but not like the way I liked him; the way I have loved him.
My friend, Dave once told me "Hayaan mo lang na mahalin mo siya", and I agree, I should agree. I should not force myself to forget him totally, because the more I say: Promise last na 'to or Hindi ko na siya babanggitin, the more I couldn't find a way to move on. I knew there was no way to make my moving-on-thing perfectly, but I could have make it right. I was happy to see the outcome of not forcing myself to get rid of him - now, the word(s) I could say to describe myself would be: fine, doing fine - with or without him, it didn't matter for as long as I knew he was happy about his life, the same goes with me. If I really see him as my friend, I would be happy for whatever his decisions would be.
I could say that 2007 ended good for the two of us - I apologized for all the things I have done for him, even if my friends said I shouldn't have to be sorry because I have never done anything wrong. I also thanked him for everything we shared - those countless stories I told him, friendly advices, everything, I have been thankful for those times.
I have loved Dr. Baytan's (MY LITELEC - PHILIPPINE GAY WRITINGS professor) poem entitled Star Crossed, especially the lines:
YOU WILL FOREVER FLOW THROUGH ME,
BUT I SHALL NEVER CONTAIN YOU
I would keep him forever,and all the memories we had but I have to accept that we could never be together, I could never contain him. I guess, this was God's will because if we have been together now, there's this big possibility that things would even be harder between the two of us after he introduced me to his family. Why? He was a Chinese , and I was not. Relationships between Filipino-Chinese couple were less likely to work out unless they were ready to battle against the traditions.
Pretty soon, I'd be leaving La Salle (hopefully), in three months or so, I might not see him anymore because I'd be having my Practicum on the First term (May-August). And I have to get used to not seeing him. If it was in our fate that we have to bid goodbye in few months time (and would never have the chance to see each other after my graduation), I would gladly accept everything, I already said, having him, even if, only as my friend was worth that one year I spent with him - That was better than not having him at all.

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