Saturday, March 18, 2006

How Will I Surrender?

pano ka susuko kung hindi ka lumalaban?
kung susuko ka, aaminin mo muna sa kanya. (kirs, my sistah)

wag kang susuko, kayanin mo.
kung si ________ ko at sina ____________ mo, nakuha mong ipaglaban, dapat ngayon, lumaban ka pa rin. kaya mo yan, walang bibitiw, walang susuko. (nica, my conscience)

ano ba kasing nangyari at di kayo _______________?
ang masasabi ko lang, kung mahal mo talaga xa, gumawa ka ng way para malaman nya?
how can u fyt for your feelings kung hindi naman alam ng taong mahal mo na mahal mo xa! db? (Bry,my bro)

iparamdam mo na kasi, ikaw rin naman nahihirapan.
kung ako sa'yo aminin mo na nang hindi ka nagkakaganyan.
nasasaktan ka tas ayaw mo namang sabihin sa kanya.
aminin mo na, di naman pwedeng naghihintay ka lang. (Nadz, my introso super friend)


those were some of the lines my friends told me yesterday and last Thursday. I couldn't pretend that everything was just normal. I couldn't be blind anymore. I couldn't stay numb with something and with someone. I never wanted to feel this, I honestly tried everything to keep myself from loving him. I thought I did but it was only recently when I admitted to my friends and to my very self that I'm already in love with this person. I wanted to live as simple as a could but how could I be happy now if he was acting like that. Akala nia ba hindi ko napapansin yung ginagawa nia. Man, I'm not damn stupid. I was just turning so innocent because I never wanted you to see how affected I was. Ilang beses mo na rin ako nasaktan in your little way pero wala ang yun sakin kasi ayokong may masira, ayokong may masacrifice kasi mahal kita, ayokong mawala ka. kung sana nga kaya kong ibalik yung love na to kay **, kung sana nga kaya kong pilitin ang sarili ko na mahalin siya ulit, kaso hindi na pwede at hindi ko na rin kaya.
Yesterday, before I went to the lib, I first passed by the chapel, while I was praying, my tears were about to fall. I was wiping my tears so that people wouldn't see my real emotions. When I met up with Nadz, I told her what happened.
To end this blog, please let me express this ending in Filipino. Pano nga ba ako susuko kung hindi ko naman siya ipinaglalaban. Pero pano nga ba ako lalaban kung hindi naman niya ako mahal? Kung sana nga ako na lang ang mahalin niya di ba, pareho kaming magiging masaya, pero hindi ko naman kayan turuan ang puso niya para mahalin ako, babae lang ako, wala akong karapatan na turuan ang puso ng isang taong hindi naman ako kayang mahalin. Babae lang ako, wala akong karapatang aminin kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko. Nasasaktan na talaga ako pero wala naman akong magagawa. Kung aaminin ko tuluyan na siyang mawawala sa kin, kung ngayon nga lang hindi niya alam nagkakaganito na, pano pa kaya pag inamin ko na di ba?

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